Yin Yang and Yutz

With the strains of Metallica's Kill 'Em All album streaming wickedly through the earphones of my ipod, I sit here contemplating the grand balance of nature. My faithful green chair is the perfect place for me to briefly reflect upon the wonder that is the duality of all things. Yesterday and today (thus far) seem to be falling right in the middle of where I am most comfortable: the lukewarm existence of neither good nor bad (though unlike Hamlet, there will be not too much thinking to make anything so). I had the great good fortune of enjoying a rather spectacular weekend. Good times with good friends. A few affirming phone calls from my very pretty friend who lives in another state, and the general cheer that accompanies a feeling of accomplished joy. Immediately following the weekend of bliss came the week of blight. As it would seem, for everything that made the weekend content, there came a bone to raise contention on Monday and Tuesday. Now I'm not one to rant and rave over the absurd little things, but it would certainly appear as good as the weekend was, the week would prove to be as bad. Fortunately, the ship has righted itself, and things are back on track for complacent mediocrity. This is where I'm most productive, and this is where I hope to remain for a while (though some more touches of the bliss will be welcome, as long as there is no accompanying blight.
Despite the ups and downs, I was able to get some more movies under my belt. Once again, I'm seeing a trend of experiencing the cinematic good, bad, and ugly (and, yes, The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly is on the list of movies to be watched). So with as little ado as marks a man of my means, here come the reviews!

5.) AGAINST ALL ODDS
I have a theory going that, despite The Fabulous Baker Boys which had the good fortune of the equalizing presence of Beau Bridges, every movie that Jeff Bridges made prior to The Big Lebowski was merely a dress rehearsal of characterization. With that in mind, it's only fair to include a subtitle for each of his previous films (i.e. "White Squall: The Dude on a Boat"; "Starman: The Dude in a Spaceship"; "Tron: The Dude in a Video Game", etc.). Therefore, we have "Against All Odds: The Dude Plays Football". This is a mostly forgettable insert in the Dude's oeuvre. The story of a football player who falls in love/lust with a hustler's girlfriend and chases her through Mexico to save her from her murderous boyfriend (played with a true "phone-it-in" performance by James Woods). The scenery is nice when they're traipsing through Aztec ruins, and cavorting on the beach. But the story is fairly ludicrous. I wanted this to be more of a football movie, but, alas, the producers truly fumbled when it came to the atheletic subtext. One fun spot has Alex Karras playing a trainer/hitman for hire finding the couple in Mexico, revealing his true friendship and concern for our protagonist, before taking a bullet in his forehead. Touching, and with the right amount of cheese.

6.) AGNES OF GOD
A few years ago, I was reading scripts for a theatre and I came across a play that really grabbed me and didn't let go. It was mystical, full of intrigue, drama, passion, and characters that were so complex that you couldn't get them out of your mind. I was pleased to find on our shelves that there was a film version of this play that I had once enjoyed. Putting in the DVD player did not disappoint. This is a great adaption of the three-person play. Here, the screenwriter addded scenes to flesh out the narrative, all the while giving the movie an honest and gripping feel. Meg Tilly is absolutely heartbreaking in her portrayal of the young novice nun being tried for the death of her newborn baby. I don't want to spoil this one for those that haven't seen it (or even read the play), but rest assured, nothing is as it seems. Jane Fonda and Anne Bancroft are both equally potent in their roles of Psychologist and Nun, respectively. This was one of those moments when I made a mental note to give this one another viewing when the time was right. I especially appreciated the spirituality that this film dealt with. It raised great questions without worrying about sacrilege.Pay close attention to the conversation between Fonda and Tilly in the belltower. It it doesn't move you, you are wearing concrete shoes.

7.) AIR AMERICA
I knew I would come across an awkward buddy flick before too long. I wasn't let down by this 2 hour trip through the jungles of Laos. While I have my beefs with Mel Gibson, for the most part I've enjoyed his contributions to cinema prior to The Passion of the Christ. This may fall into that category of paycheck films that also plays home to Bird on a Wire and What Women Want. Robert Downey, Jr, on the other hand, is still stuck in his emolation of the Brat Pack. If these actors had met and teamed up a decade later, this movie might really have been spectacular. The action sequences were great for the popcorn bowl. The story line about the corruption of our government during the Vietnam War is fun and funny (at times). It just really seemed that this movie was willing to settle for a "B-" when it truly could have been of "A" quality. It's easy to see Mel Gibson still having trouble shaking his "Riggs" persona from the Lethal Weapon films.

8.) ALI G INDAHOUSE: THE MOVIE
Sacha Baron Cohen is a genius. His ability to play beyond dumb is a mark of someone who is certainly the smartest person in the room. Granted, I still haven't seen every episode of the Ali G Show yet, but what I've experienced so far has whet my appetite for only great things from this man. At first I was a little wary since this movie was going to be more like a traditional film rather than the pseudo-documentary style of his show and his other movies Bruno, and Borat. I had nothing to worry about. He is certainly just as capable doing a straight comedy as he is doing a guerilla-style attack. Yes, the plot is absurd, but you don't go to Hooters just for the wings. The general humor in this film had me doing several spit-takes. I thoroughly enjoyed this. The fictional character makes a run at Parliament, and his co-opted African cultural philosophy suddenly rings very true with the citizens of England. Of course, there are the machinations of an evil chancellor that our hero must overcome. Along the way, the comedy is unsettlingly funny, absurd, and coupled with a wink and smile that reminds you it's ok to laugh when he lets you in on the joke.


I feel the smell of success overpowering the smell of breakfast as I look into the eyes of this video collection. While I'm making slow and steady headway, I realize that I have reels to watch before I sleep. I'm not afraid. But I do hope that this much escapism doesn't alter my own reality too much. Hell, people may need me one day.

Setting Sail

There's nothing more disconcerting than realizing your favorite programs are being pre-empted by men in tights doing something with an axel. Ok, I suppose one could make an argument for a few more troubling realizations, but for the sake of this post, I'll choose ice dancing as my bain du jour. Not that there's anything particularly terrible about the Olympics, but I truly have no desire to watch them. Besides, it's the Winter Games that are dominating the airwaves. Everyone knows that the Winter Games are the inferior closet brother to the Summer Games. In the Summer Games there are events like hammer throwing, and spear hurling. In the Summer Games men engage in the oldest form of homoerotic entertainment known to our species: Greco-Roman wrestling. In the summer games we have acknowledged sports like basketball and baseball. What do we get with the winter games? Stoned snowboarders, and ice-dancing men in pants so tight you can tell what religion they are. During these games pot and cosmo-tini's are added to the list of performance enhancers. Not my cup of tea.
So, this television void has given me ample time to make some serious headway in my task to watch as many movies that are new to me as I possibly can. My goal is 500 this year. It's certainly possible, but we'll see if the determination and grit can win out over eventual ennui. If not, then I guess I will suffer the fate of the silver medalist: the also-rans of history.
Without further ado, it's on to some reviews of my recent cinematic conquests!

1.) Abbott And Costello Meet Frankenstein
What better place to start than the alphabetical genesis of this new collection? Admittedly, my new roommate is a bit of a Frankenstein fanatic. I'm pretty sure he has every Frankenstein-related film that's ever been released. Some of these gems include: Bride of Frankenstein, Frankenstein Unbound, Frankenstein Reborn, Lady Frankenstein, and my personal favorite, Blackenstein. Needless to say, I am in for some real crap. But, I am certain there will be some redeemable flicks within this oeuvre. So my first step on this long journey is a cinematic classic. This comic masterpiece offers a chance to see the immortal comic team share the screen with some true horror legends. This Hollywood Who's Who of 1948 includes Bela Lugosi in his most endearing role, that of the undead Dracula, and Lon Chaney, Jr as the Wolf Man. Seeing these actors turn their iconic roles into comic foils for the likes of Bud and Lou is worth more than twice the price of admission. Since I paid nothing to watch this movie, I can state confidently that I would happily pay twice or even thrice that! Truly one I'll watch again...but probably not any time soon.

2.) ABOUT LAST NIGHT
Ok, this second movie was pretty terrible. It's obviously an excoriation of the twists and turns of dating in a major city. Our protagonists are accustomed to the "love 'em and leave 'em" style of relationships. Long term means a second date. Here they slowly fall in love and realize that, perhaps, there is something out there better than a life of one-night-stands. What a load of crap! Now I'm not judging the sentimentality of this concept, but it's portrayal by Demi Moore and Rob Lowe makes you really root for them to stay together, not because you want them to be happy, but because they are such miserable, self-centered, social pariahs that there union saves the rest of us from having fall prey to their juvenile boorishness. Thankfully, the producers cast Elizabeth Perkins and James Belushi as their respective best friends. I say thankfully because their presence makes the two leads look ideal by comparison. Adapted from a script by David Mamet, this movie was an eyesore on the way to completing my goal. On another note, I was treated to a nice view of Demi Moore's pre-surgical-enhancement nakedness. Amazing how quickly a movie can be redeemed.

3.) ADAPTATION
I know many cinephiles who bow down and worship at the feet of Charlie Kaufman for his work on Being John Malkovitch. I claim utter indifference. Frankly, the former was a little too quirky for my taste. Perhaps that feeling gave me prejudice to avoid this movie for so long. Regardless, I am glad I finally saw this one. It is truly a meta-film in every definition of the term. It's self-awareness is probably what makes it most compelling to view. You get sucked into this world that just keeps getting more convoluted (and adapted). I was impressed. Admittedly, there were moments toward the end (I won't spoil this one, though I won't be as judicious in the future with other movies), that I found it drifting a little too close to the uncomfortably absurd. Chris Cooper is quite good. His Oscar was well deserved. Plus, you see Meryl Streep's own set of awards. Nice.

4.) THE ADULT VERSION OF JEKYLL & HIDE
Ok, this is pretty much a porn, but it's one of the funniest attempts at storytelling that has ever been captured on celluloid. A sexploitation film from 1971, this utter monstrosity is the retelling of the Jekyll and Hyde story in a "modern" setting. As a brief synopsis: Dr. Leeder, a lecherous medicine man who lists cheating on his fiance' as a full-time hobby, stumbles upon the diary of the real Dr. Jeckyll. In this ancient tome (written in a composition notebook) he learns of the sexual exploits of Jekyll's alter-ego, Mr. Hyde. Thanks to his less-than-legal means of procuring this text, he is being pursued by the police who want to connect him to the murder of a shopkeeper. In the mean time, Dr. Leeder decides to test Jekyll's formula on himself. Amazingly he has all three (yes THREE) ingredients to make this monstrous potion. His other half, as it turns out, is a voluptuous blonde (with obvious surgical scars from pre-filming enhancement) named Miss Hide. Ah, the twist! In order to remain hidden from the cops, he keeps the form of the sexy Miss Hide who then proceeds to have affairs with Leeder's secretary, his fiance' and some random sailor. But it's not gay since Leeder is in disguise as a woman! This schlocky masterpiece is for the T 'n A crowd (40 years ago). The dialogue is atrociously bad, and the science of Jekyll is glossed over worse than a emo kid's need for rebellion. Needless to say, this movie is AWESOME! Certainly the first true gem of this journey.

I am certain that in this olympic interlude, I'll have more opportunities to add to the list. So far I've yet to find a movie that is a complete waste of time, though there have certainly been those that may not warrant a second viewing before the apocalypse. But until then, there is always curling! Sweeping and ice, what could be better?!

I Just Drove in from Phoenix, And Boy Are My Arms Tired

To say that the year that was the last ended with a bang would be, more or less, the understatement equivalent of saying that Adolph Hitler was a bit of a jerk. I won't go into all the details (some wonderful, some heart-breaking, and some just downright odd), but suffice it to say that coming back to this blog is a welcome return after a too-lengthy vacation. Much like the normal return from a big trip, the days after include the unpacking, the discovery that sand truly does get everywhere, and the attempt to re-assimilate yourself back into a routine that seems as foreign as the clerk at your nearest gas station. Be it happy, sad, bittersweet, or just plain exhausting, this welcome home party to the information dirt road is long overdue, but thankfully existent.
Sitting at this desk with my laptop staring me down, reminds me that I've had my share of close calls in the last two months. Close calls are nature's way of saying "hey, douche bag, you're flying too near the sun!" These little daily reminders of our own mortality are enough (usually) to take put your hands back on the wheel, and turn off the cruise control. I thought it only prudent to use this first post to get myself reacquainted with the art of digital wordsmithing, and just talk about a motley skid row of topics. For those of you who know me, when I occasionally slip into the coma that accompanies the habits of a workaholic, I generally surround myself with as much pop-culture until I either receive divine inspiration, or the couch sores develop couch sores of their own. This being said, I have spent some good ole' quality time with my new roommate's movie collection. Finally, someone with a bigger DVD problem than mine! Within a matter of a few days my humble collection (exceeding 500) nearly tripled in size with the arrival of his personal video library. Thus, the cause for my latest venture: I am going to watch every movie in this house that I have never seen.
I am a lover of all art (and yes, Police Academy 3 is art....Police Academy 4 is not art). I feel that if a book has been written, it should be read. If a song has been recorded, it should be heard. And if an independent film company practiced the shameless self-promotion of making a low-budget film, then, by God, I should watch it. So far, I've added nearly 30 movies to a list of previously "never seen" flicks. I am learning a lot about my own tastes, but I'm also learning that perhaps not all art is truly best for public consumption. In the succeeding posts, I am going to chronicle some of the films I have have had the pleasure/fortuitous distaste of viewing. But before we get into that, I did want to share a fun little anecdote to end today's resurfacing.
One of my cinematic guilty pleasures (other than Skinemax) is to watch some good horror movies. The irony, as has been touched upon in previous posts, is that I am also a gigantic scaredy cat. The white whale du jour of my scary movie watching sail has been the frightfest "Paranormal Activity". Generally, I am one to listen to every bit of feedback from those who have gone before. For every average joe that tells me "man, that movie scared the pants off me", I am greeted with equal parts fear, interest, and disgust at picturing said joe with no pants. I anticipate seeing the movie, but also fear that its' frighteningness will be the death of me and my shivering heart. So, usually I must be coerced into watching this movie. Enter Sexy-Viewing Companion.
One night, Sexy Viewing Companion decides that I need to overcome my growing fear of this movie, and that we need to watch it together. Her plan is two-fold: 1.) that I will squeal like a small girl, thus giving her hours of entertainment at my expense, and 2.) that watching this movie with the lights off will force me into confronting the non-reality of a movie (i.e., I should really have nothing to fear, and should stop being a big baby). I reluctantly agreed, though I was somewhat pleased to have Sexy Viewing Companion with me for moral support....and I was not going to show any weakness.
Out go the lights. In goes the disc. And here comes the grainy magic.
Within minutes, we are introduced to cinemas' newest horror couple. Granted, I was inching myself closer and closer to SVC with every bump and noise that was heard onscreen as I imagined hearing something more fierce and demonic coming from the dark recesses of my own home. The sweat was cold, and my hands were now prey to the shaking and shivering of one in the presence of pure evil (brought on by the movie, and not SVC, mind you). I was feeling that old familiar feeling of a movie that was too scary to watch!
Thankfully, I was not alone. And by not alone, obviously I was with SVC, but she was starting to get just as freaked out as myself. At this point in the narrative, a new sensation began to take over: machismo. As my beautiful female friend was experiencing the thrill of watching a movie between the slits in her fingers, I was feeling empowered by the fact that I needed to remain calm so I could protect her should these demon beasts escape from their laser-manufactured home, and begin terrorizing us. Hellbeasts, be damned!
Right about the time this rush of masculinity hit me, I also felt the familiar tug of logic pulling on my sleeve. I began to realize more and more that, were I in the designer shoes of those poor saps on the screen, I might tend to act a little differently. Step 1: CLOSE THE DAMN DOOR. I think once I realized that something eerie was this way coming, I would shut the door to the bedroom, lock it, and let that be the test. If I awoke and the door was open, then it would be time for a new house, and possibly for a new bed mate. Movie over, head still attached. Life is back to normal.
We finished watching the movie (which I was now able to enjoy as a conscientious observer). While my fear had ebbed away, SVC was letting hers completely run away. We popped in a mindless comedy, tried to talk about something other than demon possession, and we eventually decided it was time for bed (though since my mother sometimes reads this blog, I will maintain that we did go to bed without "knowing" each other). I made a few jokes about what would happen if either of us were to wake up in the middle of the night and see the "Kate" character standing in my bedroom. For that illusion, I received some not-too-friendly punches on the arm.
Then, I closed and locked the door.

Christmas is Why They Invented Movies

The dust of commerce has settled and I sit blessed on this lovely pile of goodies as a result of 365 days of practicing nice. Christmas, especially for one who has waffled in his religious beliefs over the years, is a particularly interesting time of the year. Being inundated with a pop-culture that saturates the holidays with a healthy mix of hallmark schmaltz and warm crackling pre-fab joy, it's no real surprise that this season brings with it a bag of mixed emotions. As a life-long student of religious studies, I am often intrigued with the bending, co-opting, and usurping of a meld of traditions from a vast variety of different spheres. This year is no different. As I listen to my "Twisted Sister Holiday Album", I am truly reminded of the subcontracted reason for the commercial season.
I think it's fair to step away from the religious connotations of this month, and spend a few ecumenical paragraphs talking about some of the other joys that this time of year brings. Sure, there's the family, the food, and the frivolity of fellowship with friends from faraway. But there are other aspects of the Christmas season that don't have anything to do with an f-word. When the holiday turkey and ham is resting comfortably in your lower intestine, and the wine has started to warm your spirits like a kindled space heater, generally the holidays are then reduced to the offerings of hollywood and our friends at low-rent production companies the world over.
For most of us who've grown up prior to the digital age, but long after the gen-x'ers, we find our defining moments in the films that we pull out year after year to help recapture those days when the VCR was the highest form of entertainment technology: the Christmas movie. Today, as I prepare to go enjoy a wonderful meal with some dear friends, I thought I would pause and offer the blogger's requisite top ten list. As with any top ten list, there goes the caveat that controversy over placement, inclusions, and exclusions is likely to occur. In the event that you find a discrepancy with what I've decided to put on my list, I implore you to consider that this isn't a be-all, end-all list....merely a personal catalogue.

10.) GREMLINS
Admittedly, I was a child when this movie came out and it scared the cartoons off my underoos. However, after watching it as an adult (grownup is not applicable in my case), I have found that it is the perfect mix of horror and humor that makes any good movie worth repeat viewings. Phoebe Cates is ever the lovely virginal girlfriend who aids her beau in helping this idyllic small town rid itself of the perils of not obeying the rules attached to exotic pets. Particularly fun is the scene in the local bar when the gremlins are getting drunk and harassing the townies.
9.) EYES WIDE SHUT
A Christmas movie released in the summer of 1999. This is certainly one that tends to go on the bottom of the list of favorite Kubrick flicks, but with unjust cause I say. Of course, the plot is ridiculous, and the movie is about 1 hour too long, but it does offer some fun intrigue and the most arresting three note score since "Close Encounters of the Third Kind". Also, the rampant nudity of beautiful women is enough to make up for the utter absurdity of watching Tom Cruise use his medical license like a police badge. Plus, this movie reminds us that hookers need holiday love too.
8.) MIDNIGHT IN THE GARDEN OF GOOD AND EVIL
A wonderful creeping drama directed by Clint Eastwood, this movie opens in the most Christmas-y of Southern towns: Savannah, GA. While most of the movie takes place after the celebration of Christ's birth, the festive house party scene with its culinary spread of cajun cuisine is enough to make me nostalgic for many Christmas Eves on the Gulf Coast where we feasted on Gumbo, crabcakes, and shrimp. Also, Kevin Spacey is disarmingly eerie as the closeted art restorer cum neauveau riche host to John Cusack's everyman struggling writer.
7.) ROCKY IV
When you're preparing to end the cold war with a pair of boxing gloves, the best way to train is to haul logs up a Russian mountain, and go jogging in three feet of snow. The scene where Rocky, Paulie, and his trainers are sitting in the log cabin listening to the 'Alvin and the Chipmunks' Christmas album while playing chess and sitting by a crackling fire is enough to make me want to give up my city life and move to Siberia...but only if I get to make friends with Apollo Creed's widow. It's a Christmas miracle when Adrian shows up after travelling around the world to be with her man before his big fight.
6.) JAWS IV: THE REVENGE
There must be something festive about the roman numeral iv as this next film in a popular series is also centered around the noel. As we hear the Amity Island Children's choir rehearsing for their big holiday pageant, young Shawn Brody is attacked by both a piece of driftwood and the latest incarnation of the shark that has plagued his home since his father first came to be sheriff. We are then treated to Bahamanian Christmas celebration as Shawn's mother, the lovely but aged Ellen Brody, travels down to a more temperated climate to mourn her baby boy in the comforting arms of Michael Caine. The final battle where the widow Brody rams the surface-breached fish with the end of her yacht is as anticlimactic as the series offered. On an interesting note, Michael Caine won the 1987 Best Supporting Actor Oscar for "Hannah and her Sisters" but was not present to accept his statue as he was on location filming this aquatic masterpiece.
5.) CHILD'S PLAY
Ever what would happen if a smalltime criminal who dallies in voodoo were to be killed while fleeing the law in a toy store during the midst of a lightning storm? This movie can set your mind finally at ease. Seeing the demented Chucky Doll hack away at children through 4 sequels is enough for me to never buy my children any toy with a face.
4.) THE TOY
Richard Pryor in most racially sensitive role plays a gift to the spoiled son of a portly Jackie Gleeson (sporting a horrendous southern accent). Playing on themes of slavery and journalistic ethics, this movie doesn't really have much to do with Christmas, but it is certainly worth watching Pryor rolling through a toy store in a giant wonder wheel. Also, the rampant of jokes about the names of his employer's son (young Master Bates) is enough to keep the blue in the Holiday tradition.
3.) ERNEST SAVES CHRISTMAS
The day that Jim Varney died was a day that the laughter temporarily stopped. Arguably the best in his series of Ernest films, this Christmas-themed entry boasts jokes about Reindeer doody, runaway children, and senior citizens. Watching America's favorite boob fly through the air on a spark-shooting sleigh only to stop inches from ground after a perilous straight shot to the earth is made comedy legend by his confident utterance "Air Brakes" accompanied with his signature laugh. Plus, the frequent misidentification of the real Santa Claus as one "Mr. Santos" is sweet and off-putting.
2.) SCROOGED
It's the late 80's and Bill Murray is riding his film career high. In my opinion this movie is far superior to the Chevy Chase vehicle "Christmas Vacation". Though the plethora of one-liners in the former is commendable, the heart and soul of "Scrooged" is in the journey that his character goes through. The same man who once suggested stapling fake antlers onto the heads of live mice for the sake of a television special later gives Bobcat Goldthwait a raspberry on his beer gut after seeing his own demise at the hands of his Christmas Future. Watching him get his clock cleaned by a tutu wearing Carol Kane is also worth the price of admission. The final speech that he gives to camera after interuppting the live taping of his TV station's holiday ratings coup is enough to soften even the hardest heart. Try holding back your tears when the young mute boy whispers "Merry Christmas" and thus sparking the "Put A Little Love in Your Heart" sing-a-long to give the film a warm and spirited coda.
1.) DIE HARD
It's Christmas Eve and terrorists have taken over an LA high-rise. Who're you gonna call? This is my perennial holiday favorite movie. Not only is it the supremest of the supreme action movies, but there is nothing short of awesome in this kick-ass romp of a joy watching John McClain take out an entire platoon of Euro-trash hired goons. And he did it all barefoot and shirtless. A. Mazing. Yippi Ki Ay indeed.

I truly hope that this holiday season brings you safe and sound memories. May you receive the blessings that you don't deserve but aspire for anyway. I raise a glass to you that read these posts and send in your always welcome feedback. Merry Christmas!

A Heapin' Helpin' of Good Cheer

The stockings are hung on the chimney, though I can't say much care went into the process. The bells are jingling, the stars are twinkling, and the egg is nogging. It's the countdown to that ever-so special time of year. While clock ticks away the final moments of the 2009 Noel, I feel that some preliminary recollections are in order. But, in the spirit of the season, I think I'll save those momento mori for next week. While this year has certainly held some wonderful surprises for yours truly, there have certainly been a tad too many ebbs to counteract the flow. I'm occasionally feeling like Joseph deeling with the years of few, though I can't seem to find my techincolor dreamcoat anywhere. I've seen the passing of some dear friends. I've also closed the book on a few personal relationships that have left their share of scars. It's been a tough market year, and my wallet gasps for breath everytime a bill arrives. Not one to spend my time enumerating all my "woes are me", I think I'll move on to the plus side of having a crappy snappy year: giant meals of food!
Yes, if there is a meat-flavored silver lining to every dark cloud, then it would have to be that collection of heart-warming recipes that you keep secure until the days when the long night begins to set in. Not that a good meal is the best medicine, but a nice dish cooked with the right blend of special herbs and feeling can make the dreary, depressing, cold-cruel world seem a little more tolerable. I think it's fair to say that the past few weeks haven't been filled with as much bliss as I would prefer. I decided that I was going to rectify this slump by going to visit an old friend: comfort food.
The dish I'm going to regale you with today is one of my personal favorites. It's not particularly fancy. It's not exotic, expensive, or difficult to make. It's just good, old-fashioned love in a casserole dish. If you should find yourself in a melancholic mood, this is the perfect meal for you. There's enough to feed some friends (who should be caring enough to help you through whatever tragedy du jour has befallen you of late), it's fun to create, and you will genuinely feel your spirits lift and waistband expand all in the name of culinary relief. Ladies and gummyworms, may I proudly present to you the aptly named: DIVINE CASSEROLE!

To be honest, I have no idea where this recipe orginates. I am a confessed foody who revels in his own refined palate. I have a taste for the luxurious, and a desire to indulge my most extravagant gastronomical dreams. But this dish doesn't really fall into the category of the white-linen fare. It probably wouldn't appear on the menu of the restaurant elite, but that's part of the charm of this dish. I fondly remember my mother introducing this to our family when we were growing up. Though I don't remember exactly when she cooked it the first time, I do remember it being a weekly staple for my formative years. And it was a staple that I looked forward to with more relish than taco tuesdays.
The ingredients: Meat, pasta, cheese, sauce, and every good thought you can muster.
Cooking should never be overindulgent. Cooking should be about preparing something that will satisfy your hunger in the best possible way. It's not just about filling your belly, but it's equally important to provide a sustenance that encompasses your very being. Otherwise, we'd eat raw meat and drink water. Cooking allows us to express ourselves through our creations. This dish isn't about flair, or fanciful design. It's about taking good food, and making it better, deliciously more palatable, and truly satiating.
To start, take 2 lbs of ground meat. Generally I prefer round or sirloin (when the budget allows). Occasionally I'll replace 1 lb of beef with a pound of sausage to get a nice flavorful mix. Brown the meat and add in your favorite tomato sauce. At this point in the recipe, it's more about what you prefer than what I like. Whatever you like to do to a simple meat sauce, now is the time to make it happen! I will also add some garlic, and chopped onion. By the time you have the meat mixing with the sauce, the aroma should start to take its' effect. If you're still pissy or sad, you should let the fragrant meat bouquet begin to ease the negative out of your system.
Now for the pasta: Generally I'll use egg noodles for this dish, but if you have a certain nostalgic preferment for another type of pasta, then by all means substitute. I opt for the egg noodles because I think their consistency really compliments the meat sauce. You want something that I will hold up in the oven as you will eventually put this in the oven.
While your noodles are cooking (in seasoned water, of course), mix together 8 oz. of sour cream, one block of cream cheese, and a container of cottage cheese. Feel free to taste test this blend. If your spirits weren't feeling the improvement while the meat was cooking, a little spoonful of this should give your mood a shimmy and a shake. To add a bit of textural flavor, chop up a few green onions.
Once the noodles are ready, strain them and pour half of them into a large casserole dish. Layer the cheese mixture over the noodles, then add the rest of the noodles. Top off the dish with your meat sauce. A little sprinkling of parmesan cheese might just do the trick if you're feeling extra blue. Put the dish into an oven pre-heated to 350 degrees. Cook for about 30-45 minutes.
Now, if you're dining alone, I might suggest that you go easy onthe wine as no problem gets that much better with vintage. If you're having friends over, this dish pairs well with a big, full-bodied cabernet, or a zinfandel. You want a good hearty wine.

After you've eaten, if you don't feel even the slightest bit better, perhaps your problems are just too deep for one helping. Go ahead and pile another serving on that plate and let the magic of the casserole work its' divine power on your psyche. Or may I suggest punching a small child?

Send Me Your Life-Savings, or God is Going To "Murderize" Me.

Today is truly a sad day for anyone who has ever put money in an envelope because the TV made them feel guilty. The premiere televangelist, Oral Roberts, has passed on to the great self-named university in the sky. While there is nothing funny about death, or the passing of a beloved and revered figure, I did want to take this opportunity and dedicate today's post to a man who has given me so much material over the years. So many jokes were created at his expense. I feel that comedy owes him a true debt of gratitude for his unconcious contributions over the years.
For a man who once proclaimed on television that God was going to kill him if he didn't raise 8 million dollars for his ministry, Oral Roberts' 91 years were nothing short of entertaining. Comparing the almighty to North Jersey hitman and exceeding your fundraising goals is nothing short of impressive. He was able to keep a straight face while telling his viewers that a 900 ft Jesus appeared to him in a dream and told him to build a hospital. I like the concept of desiring to heal the sick, but do you really need a gargantuan deity's demand to make it happen?
Let's face it, this guy was obviously concerned with the welfare of his flock, and for that he should be applauded. Sure, he may have looked like "Bear" Bryant's gay brother, but he was certainly a man who was earnest in his attempts to increase cash flow for the Lord. He was willing to put his own reputation on the line to get God the big bucks. Kudos for that.
One of my favorite apocryphal anecdotes (read 'jokes') deals with a prayer meeting between Billy Graham and Oral Roberts. They were discussing the ins and outs of financial management of their respective ministries. Not one to shy away from matters of personal income, the Rev. Roberts asked Mr. Graham how he chose his salary. I think this is a good point. If one is raising only a few dollars a month, then one can't expect himself (or our Heavenly Father, for that matter) to truly make a living. However, if one were bringing in the millions, is a commission biblically acceptable? "How much of the offerings do you keep for yourself, and how much goes to your ministry?", Roberts asked. "Well, what I do," began Graham, "is draw a large circle on the floor of my office. I pray that God will grant me wisdom and help to intervene in the decision making process. Then I take the daily tithes and put them in a basket. I stand directly in the middle of the circle and throw the money in the air. Every dime that lands inside the circle goes directly to the ministry to pay for mission work, evangelism, and charity. Every thing that lands outside the circle I feel has been set aside by God's hand as a way of paying my own salary and living expenses. This way I feel like the Lord is able to tell me what is right to keep, and what belongs to him." Oral Roberts shook his head in an understanding manner. "You know, Billy, that sounds really similar to what I do. I also put all the daily tithes in a basket and toss the money in the air. I then pray to God, telling him that whatever he catches, he can keep".
I do think that Roberts had a progressive impact on the nature of television ministry. I'm sure that while his pockets were fattening up, the faith of his viewers was being enhanced. God does work in mysterious ways, and sometimes he chooses to use the words of a schmuck to prove his love for all of us. Of course God loves us, he sends us these putzes to flower our joke gardens.
I sincerely hope that those who felt that Roberts' ministry was worthwhile, may continue to find that peace and understanding that only comes with a healthy faith. I also hope that his family is able to recover from their loss. Seeing a loved one leave is never easy. In this case, I'm sure he's off to a better place. When he's standing in line to walkthrough the pearly gates, I'm sure St. Peter will look at him and say "Sorry, 900 ft. Jesus says you can't come in until you raise another $2 million." After seeing the crestfallen look on the pastor's face, St. Peter will then smile and say, "Nah, just kidding, man. Come on in, I have you booked for a golf game with Sen. Kennedy."
And so I say farewell to this man who has inspired me to laugh at his contemporaries and send my money directly to other charities. In all seriousness, I do think that the world is a better place when men like Oral Roberts are able to use their gifts for good and not just for personal gain. I'm sure there are many lives that have felt comfort in a time of hurting thanks to his words of counsel. There are lives that took what he said (whether he meant it or not) and were able to find peace during a time of loss. For that, thank-you Oral Roberts.


Epilogue.
I would like to point out that I was able to do this entire post without making any off-color jokes about the fact that his first name was Oral. I'm sure his son Richard would be proud. Yes, a man who grew up having to tell people his name was "Oral" named his own child "Dick". There truly is a God.

Rage and Blow

Friday morning began with my overzealous alarm clock telling me that I was no longer able to enjoy the comforts of my warm bed. The hiddeous, shrill, electronic beeping forced me to swing my legs out, kicking a pile of unfolded laundry in the process, and make my descent on the world for yet another day. I was scheduled to go into the studio and do some recordings. As a freelance voice actor, one cannot look a financial gift-horse in its' molars. From time to time I do voice-recordings for a telecommunications company that designs phone and message systems for a variety of businesses. If you're ever in Newfoundland and get a call reminding you that your doctor's appointment is coming up and you should remember to bring your medical forms, or if you're enjoying a day in Hawaii but get a call from the power company telling you to pay your bill, you're most likely hearing my voice as the gentle, yet insistent message relaying important payment information. This is, by no means difficult work, but it does require me to be out of the house and functioning much earlier than I prefer.
On this day, the sky was quite overcast, and the temperatures were making their December trek down the other side of the comfort mountain. I stopped by a convenience store for a cup of caffeine. Not really liking the choices, I opted for a machine-dispensed, coffee/foam drink. I took one sip of the vanilla-meets-feet concoction, and knew I was in for a great day.
While paying for my crappuccino, I made some innocent small talk with the bearded attendant. She was a nice lady. I decided to keep the conversation pleasant while waiting for my card to be read. Instead of telling her how her hat was a nice distraction from her mustache, I thought it more prudent to discuss the weather. After a brief but amiable dialogue on the consistent inconsistency of the local weather patterns, I bid my adieu and left for my date with a microphone.
I realized while driving, that I tend to have conversations about the weather quite frequently. That seems to be my go-to topic when talking with people and I run out of things of consequence to discuss. Weather talk is innoccuous, plain, and guaranteed to stay in the realm of pleasant. But, not only do I discuss the weather, I've begun complaining about it more and more. Without being given any official warnings, I've suddenly become a curmudgeon, capable of ranting about the weather and not much else. This realization struck home with a vengeance. Surely I could find more interesting things to talk about than rising humidity, and the fact that it was nice outside yesterday, but today just looks unfavorable. "Unfavorable!?" People my age do not use that word in connection with the weather unless they add "conditions for extreme sports this afternoon after I pound some beers". I am only inches away from yelling at kids to "get off my damn lawn".
But I like talking about the weather. I'm no meteorol..., meteorit...I'm no weatherman, but I do find a source of genuine entertainment in the awesome power of nature. I'm drawn to disaster movies where man is battling with the elements, and the elements keep winning. There's something exciting about watching the sky grow black in the middle of the day, and you feel that cold rush of air as you realize that God just turned on the cosmic showers and the water pressure is good. I like seeing the clouds turn their menacing gaze on little old me. I feel both empowered and awed by the thrill of knowing that "this could be the perfect storm."
Maybe it's that sense of urgency that accompanies a feeling of impending doom, but great weather inspires me to want to be social and find a place with others so we can collectively brace ourselves against nature's brute brunt. Open the taps, and let's ride this one out together!