Setting Sail

There's nothing more disconcerting than realizing your favorite programs are being pre-empted by men in tights doing something with an axel. Ok, I suppose one could make an argument for a few more troubling realizations, but for the sake of this post, I'll choose ice dancing as my bain du jour. Not that there's anything particularly terrible about the Olympics, but I truly have no desire to watch them. Besides, it's the Winter Games that are dominating the airwaves. Everyone knows that the Winter Games are the inferior closet brother to the Summer Games. In the Summer Games there are events like hammer throwing, and spear hurling. In the Summer Games men engage in the oldest form of homoerotic entertainment known to our species: Greco-Roman wrestling. In the summer games we have acknowledged sports like basketball and baseball. What do we get with the winter games? Stoned snowboarders, and ice-dancing men in pants so tight you can tell what religion they are. During these games pot and cosmo-tini's are added to the list of performance enhancers. Not my cup of tea.
So, this television void has given me ample time to make some serious headway in my task to watch as many movies that are new to me as I possibly can. My goal is 500 this year. It's certainly possible, but we'll see if the determination and grit can win out over eventual ennui. If not, then I guess I will suffer the fate of the silver medalist: the also-rans of history.
Without further ado, it's on to some reviews of my recent cinematic conquests!

1.) Abbott And Costello Meet Frankenstein
What better place to start than the alphabetical genesis of this new collection? Admittedly, my new roommate is a bit of a Frankenstein fanatic. I'm pretty sure he has every Frankenstein-related film that's ever been released. Some of these gems include: Bride of Frankenstein, Frankenstein Unbound, Frankenstein Reborn, Lady Frankenstein, and my personal favorite, Blackenstein. Needless to say, I am in for some real crap. But, I am certain there will be some redeemable flicks within this oeuvre. So my first step on this long journey is a cinematic classic. This comic masterpiece offers a chance to see the immortal comic team share the screen with some true horror legends. This Hollywood Who's Who of 1948 includes Bela Lugosi in his most endearing role, that of the undead Dracula, and Lon Chaney, Jr as the Wolf Man. Seeing these actors turn their iconic roles into comic foils for the likes of Bud and Lou is worth more than twice the price of admission. Since I paid nothing to watch this movie, I can state confidently that I would happily pay twice or even thrice that! Truly one I'll watch again...but probably not any time soon.

2.) ABOUT LAST NIGHT
Ok, this second movie was pretty terrible. It's obviously an excoriation of the twists and turns of dating in a major city. Our protagonists are accustomed to the "love 'em and leave 'em" style of relationships. Long term means a second date. Here they slowly fall in love and realize that, perhaps, there is something out there better than a life of one-night-stands. What a load of crap! Now I'm not judging the sentimentality of this concept, but it's portrayal by Demi Moore and Rob Lowe makes you really root for them to stay together, not because you want them to be happy, but because they are such miserable, self-centered, social pariahs that there union saves the rest of us from having fall prey to their juvenile boorishness. Thankfully, the producers cast Elizabeth Perkins and James Belushi as their respective best friends. I say thankfully because their presence makes the two leads look ideal by comparison. Adapted from a script by David Mamet, this movie was an eyesore on the way to completing my goal. On another note, I was treated to a nice view of Demi Moore's pre-surgical-enhancement nakedness. Amazing how quickly a movie can be redeemed.

3.) ADAPTATION
I know many cinephiles who bow down and worship at the feet of Charlie Kaufman for his work on Being John Malkovitch. I claim utter indifference. Frankly, the former was a little too quirky for my taste. Perhaps that feeling gave me prejudice to avoid this movie for so long. Regardless, I am glad I finally saw this one. It is truly a meta-film in every definition of the term. It's self-awareness is probably what makes it most compelling to view. You get sucked into this world that just keeps getting more convoluted (and adapted). I was impressed. Admittedly, there were moments toward the end (I won't spoil this one, though I won't be as judicious in the future with other movies), that I found it drifting a little too close to the uncomfortably absurd. Chris Cooper is quite good. His Oscar was well deserved. Plus, you see Meryl Streep's own set of awards. Nice.

4.) THE ADULT VERSION OF JEKYLL & HIDE
Ok, this is pretty much a porn, but it's one of the funniest attempts at storytelling that has ever been captured on celluloid. A sexploitation film from 1971, this utter monstrosity is the retelling of the Jekyll and Hyde story in a "modern" setting. As a brief synopsis: Dr. Leeder, a lecherous medicine man who lists cheating on his fiance' as a full-time hobby, stumbles upon the diary of the real Dr. Jeckyll. In this ancient tome (written in a composition notebook) he learns of the sexual exploits of Jekyll's alter-ego, Mr. Hyde. Thanks to his less-than-legal means of procuring this text, he is being pursued by the police who want to connect him to the murder of a shopkeeper. In the mean time, Dr. Leeder decides to test Jekyll's formula on himself. Amazingly he has all three (yes THREE) ingredients to make this monstrous potion. His other half, as it turns out, is a voluptuous blonde (with obvious surgical scars from pre-filming enhancement) named Miss Hide. Ah, the twist! In order to remain hidden from the cops, he keeps the form of the sexy Miss Hide who then proceeds to have affairs with Leeder's secretary, his fiance' and some random sailor. But it's not gay since Leeder is in disguise as a woman! This schlocky masterpiece is for the T 'n A crowd (40 years ago). The dialogue is atrociously bad, and the science of Jekyll is glossed over worse than a emo kid's need for rebellion. Needless to say, this movie is AWESOME! Certainly the first true gem of this journey.

I am certain that in this olympic interlude, I'll have more opportunities to add to the list. So far I've yet to find a movie that is a complete waste of time, though there have certainly been those that may not warrant a second viewing before the apocalypse. But until then, there is always curling! Sweeping and ice, what could be better?!