Send Me Your Life-Savings, or God is Going To "Murderize" Me.

Today is truly a sad day for anyone who has ever put money in an envelope because the TV made them feel guilty. The premiere televangelist, Oral Roberts, has passed on to the great self-named university in the sky. While there is nothing funny about death, or the passing of a beloved and revered figure, I did want to take this opportunity and dedicate today's post to a man who has given me so much material over the years. So many jokes were created at his expense. I feel that comedy owes him a true debt of gratitude for his unconcious contributions over the years.
For a man who once proclaimed on television that God was going to kill him if he didn't raise 8 million dollars for his ministry, Oral Roberts' 91 years were nothing short of entertaining. Comparing the almighty to North Jersey hitman and exceeding your fundraising goals is nothing short of impressive. He was able to keep a straight face while telling his viewers that a 900 ft Jesus appeared to him in a dream and told him to build a hospital. I like the concept of desiring to heal the sick, but do you really need a gargantuan deity's demand to make it happen?
Let's face it, this guy was obviously concerned with the welfare of his flock, and for that he should be applauded. Sure, he may have looked like "Bear" Bryant's gay brother, but he was certainly a man who was earnest in his attempts to increase cash flow for the Lord. He was willing to put his own reputation on the line to get God the big bucks. Kudos for that.
One of my favorite apocryphal anecdotes (read 'jokes') deals with a prayer meeting between Billy Graham and Oral Roberts. They were discussing the ins and outs of financial management of their respective ministries. Not one to shy away from matters of personal income, the Rev. Roberts asked Mr. Graham how he chose his salary. I think this is a good point. If one is raising only a few dollars a month, then one can't expect himself (or our Heavenly Father, for that matter) to truly make a living. However, if one were bringing in the millions, is a commission biblically acceptable? "How much of the offerings do you keep for yourself, and how much goes to your ministry?", Roberts asked. "Well, what I do," began Graham, "is draw a large circle on the floor of my office. I pray that God will grant me wisdom and help to intervene in the decision making process. Then I take the daily tithes and put them in a basket. I stand directly in the middle of the circle and throw the money in the air. Every dime that lands inside the circle goes directly to the ministry to pay for mission work, evangelism, and charity. Every thing that lands outside the circle I feel has been set aside by God's hand as a way of paying my own salary and living expenses. This way I feel like the Lord is able to tell me what is right to keep, and what belongs to him." Oral Roberts shook his head in an understanding manner. "You know, Billy, that sounds really similar to what I do. I also put all the daily tithes in a basket and toss the money in the air. I then pray to God, telling him that whatever he catches, he can keep".
I do think that Roberts had a progressive impact on the nature of television ministry. I'm sure that while his pockets were fattening up, the faith of his viewers was being enhanced. God does work in mysterious ways, and sometimes he chooses to use the words of a schmuck to prove his love for all of us. Of course God loves us, he sends us these putzes to flower our joke gardens.
I sincerely hope that those who felt that Roberts' ministry was worthwhile, may continue to find that peace and understanding that only comes with a healthy faith. I also hope that his family is able to recover from their loss. Seeing a loved one leave is never easy. In this case, I'm sure he's off to a better place. When he's standing in line to walkthrough the pearly gates, I'm sure St. Peter will look at him and say "Sorry, 900 ft. Jesus says you can't come in until you raise another $2 million." After seeing the crestfallen look on the pastor's face, St. Peter will then smile and say, "Nah, just kidding, man. Come on in, I have you booked for a golf game with Sen. Kennedy."
And so I say farewell to this man who has inspired me to laugh at his contemporaries and send my money directly to other charities. In all seriousness, I do think that the world is a better place when men like Oral Roberts are able to use their gifts for good and not just for personal gain. I'm sure there are many lives that have felt comfort in a time of hurting thanks to his words of counsel. There are lives that took what he said (whether he meant it or not) and were able to find peace during a time of loss. For that, thank-you Oral Roberts.


Epilogue.
I would like to point out that I was able to do this entire post without making any off-color jokes about the fact that his first name was Oral. I'm sure his son Richard would be proud. Yes, a man who grew up having to tell people his name was "Oral" named his own child "Dick". There truly is a God.