Christmas is Why They Invented Movies

The dust of commerce has settled and I sit blessed on this lovely pile of goodies as a result of 365 days of practicing nice. Christmas, especially for one who has waffled in his religious beliefs over the years, is a particularly interesting time of the year. Being inundated with a pop-culture that saturates the holidays with a healthy mix of hallmark schmaltz and warm crackling pre-fab joy, it's no real surprise that this season brings with it a bag of mixed emotions. As a life-long student of religious studies, I am often intrigued with the bending, co-opting, and usurping of a meld of traditions from a vast variety of different spheres. This year is no different. As I listen to my "Twisted Sister Holiday Album", I am truly reminded of the subcontracted reason for the commercial season.
I think it's fair to step away from the religious connotations of this month, and spend a few ecumenical paragraphs talking about some of the other joys that this time of year brings. Sure, there's the family, the food, and the frivolity of fellowship with friends from faraway. But there are other aspects of the Christmas season that don't have anything to do with an f-word. When the holiday turkey and ham is resting comfortably in your lower intestine, and the wine has started to warm your spirits like a kindled space heater, generally the holidays are then reduced to the offerings of hollywood and our friends at low-rent production companies the world over.
For most of us who've grown up prior to the digital age, but long after the gen-x'ers, we find our defining moments in the films that we pull out year after year to help recapture those days when the VCR was the highest form of entertainment technology: the Christmas movie. Today, as I prepare to go enjoy a wonderful meal with some dear friends, I thought I would pause and offer the blogger's requisite top ten list. As with any top ten list, there goes the caveat that controversy over placement, inclusions, and exclusions is likely to occur. In the event that you find a discrepancy with what I've decided to put on my list, I implore you to consider that this isn't a be-all, end-all list....merely a personal catalogue.

10.) GREMLINS
Admittedly, I was a child when this movie came out and it scared the cartoons off my underoos. However, after watching it as an adult (grownup is not applicable in my case), I have found that it is the perfect mix of horror and humor that makes any good movie worth repeat viewings. Phoebe Cates is ever the lovely virginal girlfriend who aids her beau in helping this idyllic small town rid itself of the perils of not obeying the rules attached to exotic pets. Particularly fun is the scene in the local bar when the gremlins are getting drunk and harassing the townies.
9.) EYES WIDE SHUT
A Christmas movie released in the summer of 1999. This is certainly one that tends to go on the bottom of the list of favorite Kubrick flicks, but with unjust cause I say. Of course, the plot is ridiculous, and the movie is about 1 hour too long, but it does offer some fun intrigue and the most arresting three note score since "Close Encounters of the Third Kind". Also, the rampant nudity of beautiful women is enough to make up for the utter absurdity of watching Tom Cruise use his medical license like a police badge. Plus, this movie reminds us that hookers need holiday love too.
8.) MIDNIGHT IN THE GARDEN OF GOOD AND EVIL
A wonderful creeping drama directed by Clint Eastwood, this movie opens in the most Christmas-y of Southern towns: Savannah, GA. While most of the movie takes place after the celebration of Christ's birth, the festive house party scene with its culinary spread of cajun cuisine is enough to make me nostalgic for many Christmas Eves on the Gulf Coast where we feasted on Gumbo, crabcakes, and shrimp. Also, Kevin Spacey is disarmingly eerie as the closeted art restorer cum neauveau riche host to John Cusack's everyman struggling writer.
7.) ROCKY IV
When you're preparing to end the cold war with a pair of boxing gloves, the best way to train is to haul logs up a Russian mountain, and go jogging in three feet of snow. The scene where Rocky, Paulie, and his trainers are sitting in the log cabin listening to the 'Alvin and the Chipmunks' Christmas album while playing chess and sitting by a crackling fire is enough to make me want to give up my city life and move to Siberia...but only if I get to make friends with Apollo Creed's widow. It's a Christmas miracle when Adrian shows up after travelling around the world to be with her man before his big fight.
6.) JAWS IV: THE REVENGE
There must be something festive about the roman numeral iv as this next film in a popular series is also centered around the noel. As we hear the Amity Island Children's choir rehearsing for their big holiday pageant, young Shawn Brody is attacked by both a piece of driftwood and the latest incarnation of the shark that has plagued his home since his father first came to be sheriff. We are then treated to Bahamanian Christmas celebration as Shawn's mother, the lovely but aged Ellen Brody, travels down to a more temperated climate to mourn her baby boy in the comforting arms of Michael Caine. The final battle where the widow Brody rams the surface-breached fish with the end of her yacht is as anticlimactic as the series offered. On an interesting note, Michael Caine won the 1987 Best Supporting Actor Oscar for "Hannah and her Sisters" but was not present to accept his statue as he was on location filming this aquatic masterpiece.
5.) CHILD'S PLAY
Ever what would happen if a smalltime criminal who dallies in voodoo were to be killed while fleeing the law in a toy store during the midst of a lightning storm? This movie can set your mind finally at ease. Seeing the demented Chucky Doll hack away at children through 4 sequels is enough for me to never buy my children any toy with a face.
4.) THE TOY
Richard Pryor in most racially sensitive role plays a gift to the spoiled son of a portly Jackie Gleeson (sporting a horrendous southern accent). Playing on themes of slavery and journalistic ethics, this movie doesn't really have much to do with Christmas, but it is certainly worth watching Pryor rolling through a toy store in a giant wonder wheel. Also, the rampant of jokes about the names of his employer's son (young Master Bates) is enough to keep the blue in the Holiday tradition.
3.) ERNEST SAVES CHRISTMAS
The day that Jim Varney died was a day that the laughter temporarily stopped. Arguably the best in his series of Ernest films, this Christmas-themed entry boasts jokes about Reindeer doody, runaway children, and senior citizens. Watching America's favorite boob fly through the air on a spark-shooting sleigh only to stop inches from ground after a perilous straight shot to the earth is made comedy legend by his confident utterance "Air Brakes" accompanied with his signature laugh. Plus, the frequent misidentification of the real Santa Claus as one "Mr. Santos" is sweet and off-putting.
2.) SCROOGED
It's the late 80's and Bill Murray is riding his film career high. In my opinion this movie is far superior to the Chevy Chase vehicle "Christmas Vacation". Though the plethora of one-liners in the former is commendable, the heart and soul of "Scrooged" is in the journey that his character goes through. The same man who once suggested stapling fake antlers onto the heads of live mice for the sake of a television special later gives Bobcat Goldthwait a raspberry on his beer gut after seeing his own demise at the hands of his Christmas Future. Watching him get his clock cleaned by a tutu wearing Carol Kane is also worth the price of admission. The final speech that he gives to camera after interuppting the live taping of his TV station's holiday ratings coup is enough to soften even the hardest heart. Try holding back your tears when the young mute boy whispers "Merry Christmas" and thus sparking the "Put A Little Love in Your Heart" sing-a-long to give the film a warm and spirited coda.
1.) DIE HARD
It's Christmas Eve and terrorists have taken over an LA high-rise. Who're you gonna call? This is my perennial holiday favorite movie. Not only is it the supremest of the supreme action movies, but there is nothing short of awesome in this kick-ass romp of a joy watching John McClain take out an entire platoon of Euro-trash hired goons. And he did it all barefoot and shirtless. A. Mazing. Yippi Ki Ay indeed.

I truly hope that this holiday season brings you safe and sound memories. May you receive the blessings that you don't deserve but aspire for anyway. I raise a glass to you that read these posts and send in your always welcome feedback. Merry Christmas!