There are many times during the course of any particular day when the world can seem to rain heavy on you like a brimming bowl of juggernaut soup. I'm sure it must feel like there's this Andre-the-Giant-sized weight sitting on top of you, and nowhere can you find a balding man in yellow underpants to bodyslam it away. When the fates seem to be giving you the stink-eye, rest assured that you're probably not alone.
In this quickly-devolving economic crisis, we are all feeling the relentless pinch just a bit more prickly this time of year. The pockets seem to be drying up, the tinsel on the tree isn't filling you with the same glittery comfort, and the egg isn't as noggy as you remember it in years gone by. Hopefully you're not feeling the sudden urge to take the angel's dive off the douglas fir, and find yourself scattered about the carpet like a wayward ornament. It's in this vein that I want to help you find some comfort. Rest, Ye merrie readers, 'tis the season to don yourself with the gayest apparel despite what your machismoistic better instincts tell you. Go ahead and put on that cherry-red sweater with the stuffed snowman with puffball eyes. It's the holidays, time to get festive!
And speaking of festive, I can think of no better way to grind the yule gears than by looking at the life lessons that are ever-present around us all. Case in point: let's learn a few things from an Oscar-winning film.
The other night I had the opportunity to watch (for the first time in years) "Forrest Gump". As I sat in my comfy red leather chair drinking my boxed wine, I realized that this movie is rife with rules for better living. It's a cornucopia of ideals for improving one's way of accepting the pits and pratfalls of just another day on God's green. So, as a means of sharing the gift of learning, I now present to you: "Things I learned from watching 'Forrest Gump".
1.) IF YOU REALLY REALLY LOVE SOMEONE, WAIT FOR THEM TO GET AIDS, REALIZE THEY NEED A FATHER FOR THEIR CHILD (WHICH YOU SIRED UNKNOWINGLY), AND THEN THEY WILL BE YOURS FOR THE LAST FEW WEEKS OF THEIR DRUG-ADDLED LIFE.
Yes, for a movie with such a sweet premise, it does teach us to be patient with our feelings for that special someone. I think this is important. Let's say you meet the girl of your dreams while the two of you are still in grade school. Of course, at that age it would be too early to foster a blossoming relationship, so wait until you're both in college, and then you might get to cop a feel (after you beat up her date). This is progress, though be prepared to let her go off and be a stripper (since that's the most natural progression to becoming a legitimate singer) before you run into her again in the midst of a massive peace rally. Ah yes, now you're probably thinking that life has come full circle and the time for your togetherness has come. But, hold on, she still needs to go back to California and experience the joys of disco and the drug trade. After she feels the cool rush of the needle, she will come for a visit. While the romance of a rainstorm brings her to your bed, the real heartstrings have yet to be tugged as you need to let her sneak off in the early morning to go live life as a waitress. By this point, you are doing what any natural man would do, and that is to remain celibate and keep yourself in good shape (running several thousand miles should do it). Finally, after years of no contact (not even to let you know that the one and only time you ever had sex WITH ANYONE it did indeed result in the birth of a little boy) she writes you a letter. Yes, a letter. Once you are able to figure out public transportation, the two of you can live a very happy (albeit short) life together. After all, you've earned it buddy!
2.) IF YOU THROW ROCKS AT THE SWEETLY RETARDED, YOU ARE HELPING THEM TO ACHEIVE THEIR LIFE'S DREAMS.
We all remember the scene, little Forrest, with his surgical braces still imprisoning his legs, is attacked by local hooligans who mock his stutter and hurl rocks at his face. With the drawling words of Jenny's "Run, Forrest, run!" echoing through his ears, the adolescent wunderkind takes off down the dirt road where the literal and metaphorical shackles that have hindered him now release him to gain inhuman speeds and leave his attackers feasting on his dust. From here, his running literally takes him anywhere he can imagine: to college, through the military, around the world, etc. So the life lesson here, is that while we booed those little impish brats for their prejudice against someone different from themselves, they were really only helping to propel this child into the superstardom that was his to take. I am reminded of the "sticks and stones" adage that we used to chant as children. Perhaps it should be amended to "Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but if you keep throwing things at me I will one day be super-rich". I wouldn't advise testing this one without a good lawyer's number on speed dial.
3.) IF YOU YELL AND CURSE AT GOD DURING THE MIDST OF A MAJOR HURRICANE, IT WILL IMPROVE YOUR FAILING BUSINESS.
There he was, perched like a profit on the wind-blown crow's nest. With his bandanna failing to keep his water-logged locks from slapping him the face, Lt. Dan decided to taunt the Almighty while giant waves and gail-force winds slapped at the tempest-tossed shrimp boat. As he struggled to maintain his grip on both the mast and reality, our favourite leg-less fisherman decided that the middle of a massive storm was the best time to call God to the carpet. Now, I am a man of faith, though not necessarily one who attends service regularly. I can't think of any time (especially when death at sea is imminent) that I might want to throw the guantlet down against a deity of choice. Yet, miraculously, both the captain and his poop deck are able to weather the storm. Not only do they come out victorious against the elements, their business (which was surely near bankruptcy before the clouds rolled in) is now the only game in town. I suppose that the more pious of Bubba Gump's competition found themselves in less than immaculate situations. Maybe playing Devil's Advocate to a modern Job will reap you benefits.
4.) CITY BUS SCHEDULES ARE SLOW ENOUGH THAT YOU HAVE TIME TO TELL YOUR WHOLE LIFE STORY TO COMPLETE STRANGERS.
Imagine a long day waiting tables, or wading through bridge-circle gossip, or chasing after your toddler, or even just wheezing through your day as an obese businessman and you find yourself at the bus stop. Surely, you'd rather just let the minutes tick off one by one for the next two hours, but instead, you get treated to a cavalcade of Candide-like exploits by a man with a box full of chocolates and homespun "mama-isms". I have spent my time in cities where the average traveller is at the mercy of transportation timetables that didn't necessarily have that Mussolini touch. But never was I in a delay in which I had enough time to hear the rhapsodic waxings of a man who could have purchased private cars for everyone who shared that bench with him. Thank-God those people weren't sharing a bench with someone whose autobiography was in volume form. I can sometimes imagine Hell as one of those situations where you're forced to listen to someone else go through the mind-numbing details of their every day despite your own desire to just go home, put on the Aretha, and enjoy your wine spritzer.
5.) ALL OF LIFE CAN BE SUMMARIZED BY A F&!*ING FEATHER!
You've just seen your only son taken off to school by the chain-smoking bus driver and you see this pristine little blessing from heaven float down and land at your feet. You've had a fascinating life that is no where near over, and here you see this little metaphor for your whole existence dancing in the breeze as if to remind you of your own insignificance. I'm all for symbols, but really? A feather? Was a rainbow too much? Was there not enough in the budget for a whole bird? Do we really need to see this plumage to realize the cycle of life? Apparently, no matter how many great and wonderful things you are able to accomplish (whether it's saving the lives of friends, fighting for your country, meeting star athletes, celebrities, and presidents, and the countless other incredible feats that befell our idiot savant) you are no more important than the molted feather of some mysteriously white bird. How poetic. How just.
As I draw this inaugural post to a conclusion, I find it necessary to point out that while life may be likened to a package of candy, or stupid both is and does, I think that the world around us is full with many opportunities to engage our minds, quicken our heartbeats, and let our spirits soar. Avoid getting in fights during the middle of Black Panther rallies. Seats not offered will only lead you to the people who will change your life. And if God could make you into a bird to fly far away, would you really want him to?
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