Fun Times With the Bible, Part I: Genesis

I love to read. I find sheer joy in opening up a new book and feeling the crackle of the pages, knowing that I could be the first person to enjoy the contents it so lovingly binds together. Then, there is the thrill of finding an old book. Perhaps an antique perfectly preserved, or a forgotten desk piece, I find myself gaining a clearer consciousness of my fragility as a human when I am holding something that has been read countless times before. It's as though I'm attached to those who have gone before. Books are great. Books are sources of information and entertainment. It's much like TV or the internet, but with fewer Viagra ads.
I recently decided to comb through my personal library and begin reading books that I've amassed over the years, but never actually read. I am finding all sorts of gems that have laid dormant on dusty shelves since I first rescued them from other dustier shelves. Though this task has become a rather daunting one (with a reading list that now is stacked to my office ceiling several times over), I've decided to intersperse it with some other reading. Enter The Bible.
Now I did have a fairly structured upbringing where church attendance numbered in the multiple-times-a-week category. I sat through many a Sunday morning, evening, and Wednesday night Prayer Meeting sermon. I am quite sure that I was well-exposed to the Bible. In college, I took religion courses spanning both the Judeo-Christian world, as well as introductions to other World Religions. I am not unfamiliar to the Bible. Granted, it has been sometime since I purposfully cracked it's leather covers for reasons other than a Jeopardy! answer. But I still felt like I had a decent grasp of this holiest of tomes.
One week ago I decided that, in addition to my copious daily reading of my long-lost book collection, I would also begin going piecemeal through the Bible from cover to cover. After all, isn't that the way a book should be read? From start to finish? I have begun to jot down some of the more interesting concepts, facts, and idiosyncracies that I have come across in my journey through God's word. Being ever the cynic, I thought I'd share them with you periodically. So, without further ado let me present to you: FUN TIMES WITH THE BIBLE, Part I: GENESIS!!

Commonly referred to as Genesis, this is the first book of the five books attributed to Moses. Yes, Moses. Or Charleton Heston if you're a cinephile. We all know the basic stories that are introduced in this book: the Creation of Man, Noah and the Ark, Jacob wrestling the Angel, Abraham's attempt to sacrifice his son, Joseph and his Andrew Lloyd Webber Musical, and so many more. There's a treasure trove of great things to be found in this book. Today I want to focus on six things I've learned in the Book of Genesis.

1.) IF YOU WANT TO PROTECT YOUR GUESTS FROM A RAPE-HUNGRY CROWD, OFFER YOUR DAUGHTERS AS A SACRIFICE.
Chapter 19. Lot, the nephew of Abraham, has decided to take up residence in the original Sin City: Sodom. Here can be found any and all types of debauchery that would set your hedonistic hearts aflutter. God, deciding that this much wickedness must surely be punished, sends two angels to visit Lot and convince him to leave town before the rain of fire comes down. Seeing two handsome angelic figures, a crowd of lust-hungry men begins to form outside of Lot's house. They begin to beat on the door, demanding that Lot send his hunky guests out so the crowd can "know them". Lot, being ever so the generous host, decides that it would be in bad form to subject his two new friends to the "knowing" that awaits them. He steps outside to address the crowd and says: "Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes: only unto these men do nothing; for therefore came they under the shadow of my roof." (Genesis 19:8).
Well, isn't that the picture of a loving father. It's clear why God would want to save the life of this man who so bravely offers his VIRGIN daughters to a sex-starved crowd of horny men. Years later, as Lot sat drinking from his world's greatest dad coffee mug, chipping of a bit of salt from the pillar that used to be his curious wife, I wonder if he regretted his choice. This chapter is great biblical storytelling. Fire, virgins, butt-sex, and angels wielding swords to smite the evil homosexuals. So, the moral is: sex between men=bad; offering to let a hormone-enraged crowd rampage your pure daughters=OK!

2.) SHAKING HANDS IS FOR SISSIES, REAL MEN SWEAR OATHS BY TOUCHING EATH OTHER'S THIGHS.
"And Abraham said unto his eldest servant of his house, that ruled over all that he had, Put, I pray thee, thy hand under my thigh: And I will make thee swear by the Lord, the God of heaven, and the God of the earth..." (Genesis 24:2-3). I noticed this odd ritual early on, and I saw that it kept reoccuring whenever a solemn oath was taking place. This is quirky. Instead of shaking hands, hugging it out, or even offering the sacred pinky-swear, men of the Old Testament would seal oaths by grabbing the backs of each other's thighs. Yes, ass-grabbing was the period of choice to cap off any agreement made with true verve. Imagine yourself at a business meeting. Your client has now offered a considerable addendum to the contract. He extends his hand to make it final, you turn around and drop trou. I can see a small-claims court Judge asking the defendent if he "grabbed cheek" or if there was only a grazing of the ham to decide on property rights. This is something we might want to revive. My only real question: does clinching work the same way as crossing one's fingers?

3.) JACOB WAS KIND OF A DOUCHEBAG
The man who would later be called Israel. The man who would father many nations. The man who would leg-drop an angel. Jacob was many things, but first and foremost, he was quite a douchebag....especially to his brother. We all know that Jacob had a twin brother, Esau. One day Esau (their father's favorite) had been out hunting and asked his brother to make him some food. Seeing his Esau claiming that he would die without sustenance, Jacob says "Sure, I'll make you some food. But first you should sell me your birthright". If that ain't brotherly love, I don't know what is. Later, when their beloved father was on his deathbed, he called Esau to his side and asked his son to go kill a deer and bring it to him. While Esau was doing his father's bidding, Jacob quickly prepares some venison of his own and brings it to his father (now blind with old-age). He claims to be Esau and asks for his father's blessing. To complete the ruse, the smooth-skinned Jacob had attached goat skins to his arms to give off the impress that he was the obviously hairy Esau. Ignoring the fact that the bible is telling us that Esau must have had fur growing on him, Isaac is fooled by his son and offers the blessing to Jacob instead of Esau. Curses! Foiled again!

4.) CIRCUMCISION AS A RED HERRING
In chapter 34 we get the best military tactic ever! Jacob's daughter Dinah was taken by a prince, Shechem, and summarily raped because he fell in love with her. Shechem then goes to his father to ask Jacob if he could marry the defiled girl. Jacob, learning that her purity was no more, decided to take this oppportunity for revenge. Jacob tells Shechem's father (Hamor, for those of you keeping score at home) that it would be impossible for his daughter to marry an uncircumcised man. Jacob then suggested that if Shechem and all the men in their village would each undergo a circumcision to signify their interest in the covenant with God, then not only could Shechem marry Dinah, but Jacob would allow all of his daughters to be married to the men of Hamor's village. Ready to get some good ol' Israelite lovin', Hamor consents to the surgery. "And it came to pass on the third day, when they were sore, that two of the sons of Jacob, Simeon and Levi, Dinah's brethren, took each man his sword, and came upon the city boldly, and slew all the males. And they slew Hamor and Shechem his son with the edge of the sword, and took Dinah out of Shechem's house, and went out. The sons of Jacob came upon the slain, and spoiled the city, because they had defiled their sister." (Genesis 34:25-27). What a way to go out! There you are, laid up in bed with primitive painkillers on your junk, and two men with swords come in to hack you to bits. If only our government were smart enough to employ this methodology to the war on terror. Circumcision: better than napalm!

5.) IF YOU DON'T STOP ONAN, YOU'LL GO BLIND!
Tucked away gently in the midst of the story of Joseph and his technicolor adventures, is the story of two brothers: Er and Onan. For years I had heard the legend of Onan and his sin of spilling his seed on the ground. Supposedly this was supposed to be warning against masturbation or the misuse of one's "seed". So what does the Bible have to say about this story? "And Er, Judah's firstborn, was wicked in the sight of the Lord; and the Lord slew him. And Judah said to Onan, go in unto thy brother's wife, and marry her, and raise up seed to thy brothre. And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother. And the thing which he did displeased the Lord: wherefore he slew him also."(Genesis 38: 7-10). So, I have a few questions. Namely, what the hell did Er do that was so "wicked". In just this one book of the Bible we've seen God let cities, and civilizations build up before he takes any smiting action. Instead of any explanation (much less a warning to learn from Er's mistakes) we just read that "he was a little shit and God took him out". So then Judah tells his son to go sleep with his own sister-in-law to honor his brother. Apparently I'm not following Judah's logic, but I'm willing to give it the benefit of the doubt if she's hot. Onan decides that nailing her is fine, he just doesn't want her knocked up with a kid that will be considered his smitten brother's. This was certainly the wrong time to pull out! I also love how the final verse just says that God was displeased and decided to slay Onan as well. Too much smiting, too little time.

6.) HOME IS WHERE THE BOWELS ARE.
The King James Version of the scriptures have often left me wondering why some many modern, church-going folks feel the need to hold on to this antiquated, and obviously inaccurate translation of their sacred verses. I, on the other hand, find this version to be filled with quaint verbage, and hilarious euphemisms. Take chapter 43 for example. Joseph had been thrown in a pit by his jealous brothers (it seemed as though they weren't content with second-billing in the West End). He had been sold into slavery, accused of "knowing" his boss's wife, thrown into jail, being pardoned out of jail for his ability to interpret dreams, and ultimately becoming second-in-command of all Egypt. It's the Rudy of Bible feel-good stories. After many years of separation, Joseph is reunited with his brothers who fail to recognize that this now-powerful bronzed figure is also their left-for dead brother. Joseph feeling a little tug at his heartstrings reacts this way: "And Joseph made haste; for his bowels did yearn upon his brother; and he sought where to weep; and he entered into his chamber and wept there." (Genesis 43:30). What the hell does this mean? Is this author saying he was so sad he had stomach cramps? Or that he felt a sudden urge to do the Egyptian two-step? Or that he just needed a good cry? What do his bowels have to do with his feelings? In other places I had seen bowels used where maybe heart might have been a more appropriate organ. 'Yes, Rachael loved Jacob, her bowels moved for him.' Doesn't quite have that Hallmark-y ring to it.

And so as I draw this second post to a conclusion, I must point out that while I'm only one book in, I can't wait for what the other 65 have in store. By no means is this an attack on the holiness of religion. This is more of an editorial on man's secretarial skills. Afterall, isn't one of the main messages of the bible that: Man is flawed, God is not? If this post is something that rattles your faith, then personally you have bigger problems than the spirit knocking on the door of your bowels.